the first days of 29

we chased waterfalls

we tried coffee (good and not-so-good)

we drove the rental with the sunroof open when it rained

(rebels)

we bought as much vintage as our bags would hold

we shared dreams

we shared reality

we shared every meal with delight

at the end of the day,

we fell asleep in matching twin beds

in a vintage airstream

in a stranger’s backyard

and the rain on the metal roof kept us awake all night <3

dreams

these are my dreams coming true

Facing My Own Humanity

Photo obtained through jsnma.org

A few days ago, I walked into 7-Eleven and got a snack and walked outside to rent a movie from the Redbox. A homeless man about my age was standing right in front of the machine. I asked him if he wouldn't mind moving so I could use it. He promptly moved out of the way and then lifted the flap that was protecting the screen and proceeded to hold it up for me so I could see the movie choices. I quickly told him that wasn't necessary, that "I got it," and he backed away.

While I was still perusing my options of movies to rent, two young men walked out of 7-Eleven with a pizza in hand. The homeless man asked if they could spare any change, or "maybe even a slice of pizza," to which both of the young men ignored him, got in their car and drove away.

About this time, I had finished paying for my movie and I made the choice to walk home.

I walked past the homeless man.
I did not look him in the eye.
I did not offer to buy him food.
I ignored him.

I wrestled with this interaction for the rest of the day.
I am still wrestling...

Why did I ignore him?
Did I not want to acknowledge the need that was there?

I thought about when he held the screen up for me, and I told him that wasn't necessary;
I didn't want to owe him anything.

I thought about how I tell people that I like nursing because it is a job that "cares for others,"
but a tangible need was staring me in the face
and I chose to look away.

Will I keep looking away?
My own lack of compassion scares me.

Sometimes, I just wish I could sit down with Mother Teresa and ask her for advice...
but then again, I feel like she would just quote herself to me:

"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house... let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile."

...

There is a lot happening in the world right now,
and there are also a lot of opinions.

When it comes down to truth, sometimes it is hard to see.
(and sometimes it is downright overwhelming)

I think I want to start by keeping it simple,
reminding myself every morning to "be the living expression of God's kindness." 

slow down slow down slow down

A gnat just flew into my glass of wine
I am sure it is the only bug in the house
and it found its way into my happy place
and ruined it

How fitting

I was just going to start a blog entry on wanting to "lean in" to every emotion
to feel the weight of my life
all the good and the bad in every situation
Well, let me tell you
I'm not happy with my current bug-infested wine
I'm feeling it

...

I am currently reading the book "Rising Strong" and came across this passage regarding barriers we typically set up that keep us from reckoning with our emotions:

"...in this long list of all the ways we can numb ourselves, there's always staying busy: living so hard and fast that the truths of our lives can't catch up with us." 

This stopped me
I read it
and I re-read it

I will admit that as appealing as staying busy is
I never want my life to be so busy that I don't have to face truths
that I don't have "time" to reckon with my emotions

I want to feel it
and I want a new glass of wine

The Magic

"The middle is messy, but it's also where the magic happens." -Brené Brown

I read this and then re-read it, and then stopped. 

I am in the middle

I know it

I can feel it

In the hustle, there is a smile

In the stress, there is a hand to hold and a joke to be told

In the push to MOVE FASTER, there are memories being made

I am in the middle

but I am not alone

Want to find the magic together?

Come on! Lets go! 

Nature vs. Sterile: a look into multiple personalities, inside and outside of work

I am walking down the new corridor of the hospital

The only word that comes to mind: sterile

Light shines in from the many windows and the walls are white

So white, it almost hurts my eyes

I love it

What is it about this place that makes me tick?

They say it takes a certain personality to function well under emergency room pressure… is that true? Or have I just adapted to the environment

There is chaos, yes!

But it is chaos in a well-controlled environment

It is fast-paced and you have to be flexible

You never know what will walk through the ER doors

You are having a heart attack?

Easy,

Follow the chest pain protocol

You may be having a stroke?

Cool,

Off to the CT scanner you go

There is a strategic plan in place,

and although we each go at it with different levels of experience,

we still follow the same evidence-based protocol

Now tell me...

How does one adjust from fast-paced, life–threatening, all consuming ER life to a "normal" member of a community and home?

How does one help another family grieve the loss of a young life and then go home and make dinner and watch a TV show with their loved ones?

This is difficult for me sometimes

…

Outside of work, my life seems to resist being scheduled

“Our plan is… we have no plan!”

Life motto

(It may be to a fault)

I do not want to commit to plans,

because that means I have to plan my day

Is that wrong?

I want to wake up and see what happens

I want to go for a drive with no destination in mind

I want to be in nature and be overwhelmed by its perfection

I want to listen to an album of music and be completely immersed and let it take me where it will

I want to be in an uncontrolled environment where I do not know what to expect next

Surprise me

Please

Have I always been like this?

Or am I now a by-product of two very different worlds that collide 3 days a week

Life: inside and outside of the hospital

Nature vs. Sterile

Maybe it is my own personal balancing act

Opposites attract, they say

Be true to yourself, they say

What if I feel like I have two “selves” competing for the spotlight?

Maybe it is as simple as being authentic to yourself in each and every moment

Living each day in its own light

Using your different and unique talents as the day requests

No explanations needed

…

I shared my thoughts with my mom late one night:

“Have I always been like this?

Hungry to be outside?

Feeling a need to explore and be uninhibited?

Am I changing, Mom?

Is my job changing who I am?”

“Honey, you have always been like that.

If you weren’t baking in the kitchen,

you were running around outside.”

“Thank you, mom.

You have no idea how comforting it is to me,

to hear I have always been myself.”

life and time

sometimes i feel like life is flying by
so fast i cant stop it
i am outside of it, watching it happen
some days are too much

the anxiety builds
i feel it in my chest
or is it, my sports bra may be too tight?

i crumple to the ground
feigning defeat
fake tears abound

i look around to see if i am gaining sympathy
i see my mom crack a smile at this dramatic scene
then she lays on the ground near me
we both smile and stand together
thank God for ridiculousness

i find there are always moments that far outweigh
if only i can make time my own
and then stop it to notice
slow it down a beat

when that song comes on the radio
singing every word
3 minutes of bliss
(uptown funk, yo)

that first cup of coffee in the morning
no one speaks yet

the sun melting into the ocean
sky on fire
feet deep in the sand

yes. this is my life. this is my time.

Fitzgerald and I would have been besties, for sure

"It is not life that's complicated, it's the struggle to guide and control life." -This Side of Paradise

have I not felt this all along?
this struggle
this daily knowledge that as many plans as I have
ultimately
I have no control

thank goodness Fitzgerald knew this too
I feel he just knows things
as I sit and read his thoughts
I think, "Yes! I resonate with this!"
tell me more

if only we could sit and share a cup of coffee together
and talk about this life
this life of struggle

then,
then, comfort's voice reaches me
reminds me:
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

this means
I don't have to find the means to control my life
(and what a relief that is)
I can have a reassurance that
plans have already been made for me
by a God that loves me
by a God that created me
and knows all the intricacies of how my mind works and worries
how my mind tears everything apart
and tries to put it back together my OWN way
He already knows my struggle with this life

does this not shed new light?

new hope!

as bleak as Fitzgerald found things to be at times

the way he saw life may only have been partially true

if only we could sit and share a cup of coffee together

and talk about this life

this life of struggle

I think we would have talked about Jesus too...

Upon hearing "La Valse d'Amelie" in a French Train Station

Two foreigners at a train station
so very early in the morning
both of us helplessly, hopelessly looking at the monitor
What train do we have tickets for and where is it?
I can't read this language...
Is there a hidden platform like in Harry Potter?

He turns around with a sigh
deciding to focus his energy towards something more fulfilling
"I'm going to try and order us coffee"

I walk to the guard rail
still in a sleepy haze
and then I hear it
I can't believe it

Someone below me, somewhere in this train station
someone is playing the song that I have always imagined would be here
From the moment I heard it when I was 16, I knew it was special
and here I am and here it is
both in the same country of origin
What are the chances?

I hear the musician make a small mistake
it is really happening
it is happening right now
I turn around
excitement filling my now wide awake eyes
I dance around by myself
no one could possibly be as happy as me in this moment
I grip the guardrail searching
does anyone else hear it?

People keep walking
The music keeps playing
I keep dancing
I close my eyes and soak this moment in
I will never forget it

He returns with coffee, a triumphant smile on his face
but I am already awake

Je voudrais un café avec du lait, s'il vous plaît

So much anticipation
Excitment, I feel it
How can you EVEN expect me to sit still?

I jump up and start dancing
My arms conducting the music
I feel every bit of it
It envelops me
New memories to take place,
while old memories still hold me in place {here}

A fine balance
I am in this moment with joy for the next
there is no room for fear here

And even now
as I sit down, coffee in hand
I have learned the only important phrase
I close my eyes
I smell the jasmine bloom, it has taken years for it to get here
I am happy to just be quiet, to sit still and to be {here}

CPR: Pushing Life

He came in breathing and beating
Then he stopped
His wife watched, hand covering mouth, as we tried our hardest
But is wasn't enough
I have to believe it was his time... but how do you explain that?

Before we stopped,
She slowly approached him and put her hand on his shoulder
Said his name
Let him know she was there
... then she let him go

We let him go

I walked her into the quiet room
and we both cried
Then she laughed at my tears streaming and asked,
"Would you like a tissue?"

Patient taking care of nurse taking care of patient

Sometimes it is easy to separate work and life
... and other times it just isn't.

And as I step outside
Its the sun in my eyes, and I squint against it
I walk a little slower
My life returning to normal
Her life changed forever
I am once again confronted with the frailty of life
I breathe in

Compassion Exposed

I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes forget why I chose to do this
I forget what it feels like to be scared
To hurt
To lose someone dear to me
To wait... for what seems like hours
I forget what it feels like to feel how they feel
What do they call that?
Empathy?

I have been struggling with this lately...
I know I am not the only one,
as people have actually coined this "Compassion Fatigue"
What a horrible reality: people get tired of having compassion for others

The more I think about it
the more I realize
I lose compassion and patience
when I lose my vision
Why did I want to help people in the first place?
To tangibly show the love of Christ through me

...I really don't think LOVE is spewing from me when I want to put a pillow over someone's face
(jk, that thought would never cross my mind...)

I'm currently reading the book "Crazy love" and I came across this passage this morning based on Matthew 25:
"Jesus is saying that we show tangible love for God in how we care for the poor and those who are suffering. He expects us to treat the poor and the desperate as if they were Christ Himself."

I know that not everyone who walks into the ER is going to be "suffering"
and not everyone is "poor" (especially where I live)
But there is a large majority of people that fall under the category of maybe
-scared
-anxious
-hurting
-desperate

I realize that it is not my job to give false hope and say "We are going to make it all better"
but maybe they DO need me to hold their hand
to let them know that I will do my best to take care of them
to let them know that I CARE

Something very valuable is lost when people,
who are in the business of caring for others,
don't care anymore.

I don't want to be one of those people

Right now

I want my coffee brown

When I'm old, it might be black

But right now...

I just want to walk 

and not talk

Just feel my soul

Just grab my hand

Let my feet touch the sand

The water rushing

My arms stretched

Embracing

Let everything wait

Push pause...

Gatsby in my life

The windows down, its dark outside

The heater up and my hair flying round

The music loud, but not loud enough

My thoughts louder still

They wont be drowned out

The contrast so right,

Its screaming out!

How messy is this?

Its beautiful!

Am I doing this right?

In the end...

Will it all line up to be straight?

Which direction is life,

And which speed shall I go?

Fast!

No. 

Please make it slow. 

I think the song is on repeat

And I will dance all the more

My face tear-stained

Eyes shining with passion

Do you feel it?

Bowie's first birthday

today marks a very special momentous occasion for my bowie girl

she made it to a year old

which means all of her attempts to run into the street during traffic were thwarted

she remains alive and well

all the days her mother tried to kill her, she redeemed herself in one way or another

all the times she tried to jump in the front seat when we were driving

or shifted the car into neutral on the freeway

or took off running while we were walking and tore our arms off

or tried to eat bees

or tore part off her paw off playing too hard

or flung poo all over our sheets and the american flag on our wall

all the "bowie paws" to the face...

see?

its a miracle we are here today

HERE IS TO MY BOWIE GIRL WHO MADE IT TO HER FIRST BIRTHDAY

we thought this day would never come

mommy and daddy are so proud of you <3

80mph on the freeway. nbd.

training

hook, line and sinker. first picture we ever saw of her

stoked

when you dont have another dog for them to play with, you make do

mason trying to coax bowie into her crate the first day we had her

the dog whisperer

helping daddy paint his new shop

...that day she fell asleep on her nose

giving kisses to beach babes

like mother like daughter

oh you know, the day phil and i decided to paint her nails

beach babe bowie

stare down 

stoked for football

couldn't hide those christmas treats from that sniffer!

"hey mom, is that a corndog i smell??"

Oh the stories these photos tell

Sometimes I just love reminiscing back at the last few months

by looking through captured moments

~getting to share in the joy of seeing friends marry friends~

~arriving in mammoth to my bestie and snow covered mountains~

~capturing the best photo bombs ever~

~the sunset on valentines day. we almost missed it because i wanted cupcakes~

~my family~

~starting a saturday out the right way~

~growing pains~

~a rare moment when both of us are in athletic gear in the wilderness with a very small tent~

~the sun rising over the ridge at the grand canyon~

~mason may be smiling, but don't be fooled. he was shitting his pants~

~easter egg hunts with mason turning into alien egg eyes~

Oh so uncomfortable

This week I took care of the sickest patient I have EVER taken care of
for the entire 5 hours I had him, I thought he was going to die

it was a shit show

nurses, doctors, residents, pharmacist
the family crying
there was so much noise
I just wanted to leave
to just peace out
I was so uncomfortable
I realized there was so much I still have to learn

I walked into the med room
I took a deep breath while it was quiet
"Focus. Prioritize. Breath."

Our mentor that night was a great source of knowledge for me
He was so excited to use all our ICU equipment
most of which I had never used
At one point he asked me "Isn't this fun?!" and I replied, "THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!"

I am used to a small amount of unknown all the time
its kinda what you sign up for in an ER
every shift I work, I get to learn something new
But this...
THIS was a whole new ball game
This patient came in dying, and it took hours to fully know what was going on
all the while, trying to keep him afloat
and then after we knew his diagnosis, the ER doctor had to spend 15 minutes drawing pictures for me to fully grasp what was going on in this patient's body

It is amazing to me how intricately the human body is made and how much it can withstand

As I sit here and reflect on this patient
Some of me misses the quiet moments
I didn't get to comfort the family as they cried and held his hands
I didn't have time to speak with them about his diagnosis
I was too busy
too stressed with keeping his blood pressure and oxygen levels at barely just enough
Sometimes I think it takes a patient like this to make me stop and think about what is most important

This Journey

What if I fail?
what if I miss something, go in the wrong direction, mess it all up?

I hear this
in my life,
the lives of my friends, my family

You know what I love most about it all?
The journey
and the ability it has to show you how far you have come


I look back at where I started, where I was going and where I am headed
All has lead me here
to my life with my husband and my crazy dog
me trying to persuade a baby, Mason trying to NOT have a baby
chasing a dog around the house with poop all over her huge feet
a sore body from TRYING kickboxing (I looked like I was in the pit at a hardcore show)
still renting a house because we can't make up our minds about what we really want
planning weddings and showers for dear friends and family
being excited for those in new stages and trying my hardest to be content
-even more than being content. To REVEL in the stage that I am in-
Not looking forward. Not looking back.
To fully know how much the Lord loves me, even with all my moments seeming to lack Him


When I think about possibly missing the calling on my life, the goal of my life, the direction...
I look at where all of my adventures and prayers have lead me
Here.
It definitely isn't perfect
and it isn't the end of my journey
I think I might be somewhere in the middle
with a lot still left to do
But looking at it so far, it gives me hope for what is to come.

(Yesterday I met a lady that is a nurse and opened a cupcake shop with her best friend. THAT IS IN MY FUTURE I JUST KNOW IT!! INSPIRATION BABY!!)

The middle

"Savor the time in the middle

It can be the quickest passed

And some of the best memories either made or lost"

The Lord gave these words to me

He also gave them to Mason on the same day

(which is pretty cool if you ask me)

Both of us caught up in a familiar race

trying to get to the next stage

willing ourselves through this day for the next

but only for us to stop.

enjoy this "middle" 

for it can be the best looking back

Lent

I didn't grow up practicing Lent
Its a relatively new thing for me

The idea of giving up something so miniature in our lives for 40 days seemed...
almost silly to me

here is the reason why:
Jesus gave up His life for me,
so to remember Him, I will give up...
facebook
coffee
instagram
sugar
etc.

The act of giving up those silly things in comparison to Jesus giving up his life made me near tears
and it made me not even want to participate

This was my thinking until last year
Last year I gave up coffee for Lent
40 LOOOOOOOOOOONG days without coffee
like really, no coffee people

-Side note-
Mason had so much patience with me
He is a saint!
Not gonna lie, he was a little worried about what I was going to give up this year
-End side note-

Every morning that I woke up, went to the kitchen, tried to pour myself a cup of coffee
and couldn't...
I thought of Jesus
and was thankful

Every afternoon that I went by my favorite coffee shop and looked longing at all those lucky people with iced coffee in their hands (They had NO IDEA how lucky they were)...
Again, I was thankful for the sacrifice Jesus made for me

Not to mention the 50 other times during the day that I thought to myself...
"How good would a cup of coffee be right now?!"

When easter Sunday came 40 days later
I can't tell you how overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness I was
It wasn't just one day that I got to think of my Savior
It had been 40 days

 I celebrated the sacrifice Jesus made for me and the Life that He has now filled me with...
BY DRINKING COFFEE
ALL DAY
Easter was honestly one of the happiest days of 2012 for me
Not only due to the coffee
but the anticipation and the celebration knowing that WE ARE WORTH SAVING
My Savior knew I would need Him,
and He died for me

No matter what it is
how small it is
how insignificant you feel
Giving up something that you have or use everyday
WILL bring your heart and your mind closer to the Lord
if you let it

mmmm, smell dat home

I am pretty sure my sense of smell contributes about 90% of my memories into my memory bank.
I never knew my home had a smell
but now living in San Diego
I do

I stepped out of the building
and the smell of home was overwhelming
I wasn't anywhere near home
but I felt like I was there
I closed my eyes
I took it in

I could have been on the horse trail behind my house
I could have been jogging with my sister
or walking around the park with my brothers

I could have been walking into Jo-Anns with my mom and grandma
or going to get coffee with Rachel
I could have been sitting in the rocking chair in our backyard with my dad
I could have been going for a swim in our pool
Happy Hour could have been commencing in the chairs surrounding

In reality,
I was walking out of the hospital in my uniform
in San Diego
Gross from the night before
Tired as all get out
But renewed in my spirit
my mind traveling miles to hundreds of memories
stored safely behind the lock-and-key of olfactory perception