CPR: Pushing Life

He came in breathing and beating
Then he stopped
His wife watched, hand covering mouth, as we tried our hardest
But is wasn't enough
I have to believe it was his time... but how do you explain that?

Before we stopped,
She slowly approached him and put her hand on his shoulder
Said his name
Let him know she was there
... then she let him go

We let him go

I walked her into the quiet room
and we both cried
Then she laughed at my tears streaming and asked,
"Would you like a tissue?"

Patient taking care of nurse taking care of patient

Sometimes it is easy to separate work and life
... and other times it just isn't.

And as I step outside
Its the sun in my eyes, and I squint against it
I walk a little slower
My life returning to normal
Her life changed forever
I am once again confronted with the frailty of life
I breathe in

Compassion Exposed

I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes forget why I chose to do this
I forget what it feels like to be scared
To hurt
To lose someone dear to me
To wait... for what seems like hours
I forget what it feels like to feel how they feel
What do they call that?
Empathy?

I have been struggling with this lately...
I know I am not the only one,
as people have actually coined this "Compassion Fatigue"
What a horrible reality: people get tired of having compassion for others

The more I think about it
the more I realize
I lose compassion and patience
when I lose my vision
Why did I want to help people in the first place?
To tangibly show the love of Christ through me

...I really don't think LOVE is spewing from me when I want to put a pillow over someone's face
(jk, that thought would never cross my mind...)

I'm currently reading the book "Crazy love" and I came across this passage this morning based on Matthew 25:
"Jesus is saying that we show tangible love for God in how we care for the poor and those who are suffering. He expects us to treat the poor and the desperate as if they were Christ Himself."

I know that not everyone who walks into the ER is going to be "suffering"
and not everyone is "poor" (especially where I live)
But there is a large majority of people that fall under the category of maybe
-scared
-anxious
-hurting
-desperate

I realize that it is not my job to give false hope and say "We are going to make it all better"
but maybe they DO need me to hold their hand
to let them know that I will do my best to take care of them
to let them know that I CARE

Something very valuable is lost when people,
who are in the business of caring for others,
don't care anymore.

I don't want to be one of those people

Right now

I want my coffee brown

When I'm old, it might be black

But right now...

I just want to walk 

and not talk

Just feel my soul

Just grab my hand

Let my feet touch the sand

The water rushing

My arms stretched

Embracing

Let everything wait

Push pause...

Gatsby in my life

The windows down, its dark outside

The heater up and my hair flying round

The music loud, but not loud enough

My thoughts louder still

They wont be drowned out

The contrast so right,

Its screaming out!

How messy is this?

Its beautiful!

Am I doing this right?

In the end...

Will it all line up to be straight?

Which direction is life,

And which speed shall I go?

Fast!

No. 

Please make it slow. 

I think the song is on repeat

And I will dance all the more

My face tear-stained

Eyes shining with passion

Do you feel it?

Bowie's first birthday

today marks a very special momentous occasion for my bowie girl

she made it to a year old

which means all of her attempts to run into the street during traffic were thwarted

she remains alive and well

all the days her mother tried to kill her, she redeemed herself in one way or another

all the times she tried to jump in the front seat when we were driving

or shifted the car into neutral on the freeway

or took off running while we were walking and tore our arms off

or tried to eat bees

or tore part off her paw off playing too hard

or flung poo all over our sheets and the american flag on our wall

all the "bowie paws" to the face...

see?

its a miracle we are here today

HERE IS TO MY BOWIE GIRL WHO MADE IT TO HER FIRST BIRTHDAY

we thought this day would never come

mommy and daddy are so proud of you <3

80mph on the freeway. nbd.

training

hook, line and sinker. first picture we ever saw of her

stoked

when you dont have another dog for them to play with, you make do

mason trying to coax bowie into her crate the first day we had her

the dog whisperer

helping daddy paint his new shop

...that day she fell asleep on her nose

giving kisses to beach babes

like mother like daughter

oh you know, the day phil and i decided to paint her nails

beach babe bowie

stare down 

stoked for football

couldn't hide those christmas treats from that sniffer!

"hey mom, is that a corndog i smell??"

Oh the stories these photos tell

Sometimes I just love reminiscing back at the last few months

by looking through captured moments

~getting to share in the joy of seeing friends marry friends~

~arriving in mammoth to my bestie and snow covered mountains~

~capturing the best photo bombs ever~

~the sunset on valentines day. we almost missed it because i wanted cupcakes~

~my family~

~starting a saturday out the right way~

~growing pains~

~a rare moment when both of us are in athletic gear in the wilderness with a very small tent~

~the sun rising over the ridge at the grand canyon~

~mason may be smiling, but don't be fooled. he was shitting his pants~

~easter egg hunts with mason turning into alien egg eyes~

Oh so uncomfortable

This week I took care of the sickest patient I have EVER taken care of
for the entire 5 hours I had him, I thought he was going to die

it was a shit show

nurses, doctors, residents, pharmacist
the family crying
there was so much noise
I just wanted to leave
to just peace out
I was so uncomfortable
I realized there was so much I still have to learn

I walked into the med room
I took a deep breath while it was quiet
"Focus. Prioritize. Breath."

Our mentor that night was a great source of knowledge for me
He was so excited to use all our ICU equipment
most of which I had never used
At one point he asked me "Isn't this fun?!" and I replied, "THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!"

I am used to a small amount of unknown all the time
its kinda what you sign up for in an ER
every shift I work, I get to learn something new
But this...
THIS was a whole new ball game
This patient came in dying, and it took hours to fully know what was going on
all the while, trying to keep him afloat
and then after we knew his diagnosis, the ER doctor had to spend 15 minutes drawing pictures for me to fully grasp what was going on in this patient's body

It is amazing to me how intricately the human body is made and how much it can withstand

As I sit here and reflect on this patient
Some of me misses the quiet moments
I didn't get to comfort the family as they cried and held his hands
I didn't have time to speak with them about his diagnosis
I was too busy
too stressed with keeping his blood pressure and oxygen levels at barely just enough
Sometimes I think it takes a patient like this to make me stop and think about what is most important