Nature vs. Sterile: a look into multiple personalities, inside and outside of work

I am walking down the new corridor of the hospital

The only word that comes to mind: sterile

Light shines in from the many windows and the walls are white

So white, it almost hurts my eyes

I love it

What is it about this place that makes me tick?

They say it takes a certain personality to function well under emergency room pressure… is that true? Or have I just adapted to the environment

There is chaos, yes!

But it is chaos in a well-controlled environment

It is fast-paced and you have to be flexible

You never know what will walk through the ER doors

You are having a heart attack?

Easy,

Follow the chest pain protocol

You may be having a stroke?

Cool,

Off to the CT scanner you go

There is a strategic plan in place,

and although we each go at it with different levels of experience,

we still follow the same evidence-based protocol

Now tell me...

How does one adjust from fast-paced, life–threatening, all consuming ER life to a "normal" member of a community and home?

How does one help another family grieve the loss of a young life and then go home and make dinner and watch a TV show with their loved ones?

This is difficult for me sometimes

…

Outside of work, my life seems to resist being scheduled

“Our plan is… we have no plan!”

Life motto

(It may be to a fault)

I do not want to commit to plans,

because that means I have to plan my day

Is that wrong?

I want to wake up and see what happens

I want to go for a drive with no destination in mind

I want to be in nature and be overwhelmed by its perfection

I want to listen to an album of music and be completely immersed and let it take me where it will

I want to be in an uncontrolled environment where I do not know what to expect next

Surprise me

Please

Have I always been like this?

Or am I now a by-product of two very different worlds that collide 3 days a week

Life: inside and outside of the hospital

Nature vs. Sterile

Maybe it is my own personal balancing act

Opposites attract, they say

Be true to yourself, they say

What if I feel like I have two “selves” competing for the spotlight?

Maybe it is as simple as being authentic to yourself in each and every moment

Living each day in its own light

Using your different and unique talents as the day requests

No explanations needed

…

I shared my thoughts with my mom late one night:

“Have I always been like this?

Hungry to be outside?

Feeling a need to explore and be uninhibited?

Am I changing, Mom?

Is my job changing who I am?”

“Honey, you have always been like that.

If you weren’t baking in the kitchen,

you were running around outside.”

“Thank you, mom.

You have no idea how comforting it is to me,

to hear I have always been myself.”

life and time

sometimes i feel like life is flying by
so fast i cant stop it
i am outside of it, watching it happen
some days are too much

the anxiety builds
i feel it in my chest
or is it, my sports bra may be too tight?

i crumple to the ground
feigning defeat
fake tears abound

i look around to see if i am gaining sympathy
i see my mom crack a smile at this dramatic scene
then she lays on the ground near me
we both smile and stand together
thank God for ridiculousness

i find there are always moments that far outweigh
if only i can make time my own
and then stop it to notice
slow it down a beat

when that song comes on the radio
singing every word
3 minutes of bliss
(uptown funk, yo)

that first cup of coffee in the morning
no one speaks yet

the sun melting into the ocean
sky on fire
feet deep in the sand

yes. this is my life. this is my time.

Fitzgerald and I would have been besties, for sure

"It is not life that's complicated, it's the struggle to guide and control life." -This Side of Paradise

have I not felt this all along?
this struggle
this daily knowledge that as many plans as I have
ultimately
I have no control

thank goodness Fitzgerald knew this too
I feel he just knows things
as I sit and read his thoughts
I think, "Yes! I resonate with this!"
tell me more

if only we could sit and share a cup of coffee together
and talk about this life
this life of struggle

then,
then, comfort's voice reaches me
reminds me:
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

this means
I don't have to find the means to control my life
(and what a relief that is)
I can have a reassurance that
plans have already been made for me
by a God that loves me
by a God that created me
and knows all the intricacies of how my mind works and worries
how my mind tears everything apart
and tries to put it back together my OWN way
He already knows my struggle with this life

does this not shed new light?

new hope!

as bleak as Fitzgerald found things to be at times

the way he saw life may only have been partially true

if only we could sit and share a cup of coffee together

and talk about this life

this life of struggle

I think we would have talked about Jesus too...

Upon hearing "La Valse d'Amelie" in a French Train Station

Two foreigners at a train station
so very early in the morning
both of us helplessly, hopelessly looking at the monitor
What train do we have tickets for and where is it?
I can't read this language...
Is there a hidden platform like in Harry Potter?

He turns around with a sigh
deciding to focus his energy towards something more fulfilling
"I'm going to try and order us coffee"

I walk to the guard rail
still in a sleepy haze
and then I hear it
I can't believe it

Someone below me, somewhere in this train station
someone is playing the song that I have always imagined would be here
From the moment I heard it when I was 16, I knew it was special
and here I am and here it is
both in the same country of origin
What are the chances?

I hear the musician make a small mistake
it is really happening
it is happening right now
I turn around
excitement filling my now wide awake eyes
I dance around by myself
no one could possibly be as happy as me in this moment
I grip the guardrail searching
does anyone else hear it?

People keep walking
The music keeps playing
I keep dancing
I close my eyes and soak this moment in
I will never forget it

He returns with coffee, a triumphant smile on his face
but I am already awake

Je voudrais un café avec du lait, s'il vous plaît

So much anticipation
Excitment, I feel it
How can you EVEN expect me to sit still?

I jump up and start dancing
My arms conducting the music
I feel every bit of it
It envelops me
New memories to take place,
while old memories still hold me in place {here}

A fine balance
I am in this moment with joy for the next
there is no room for fear here

And even now
as I sit down, coffee in hand
I have learned the only important phrase
I close my eyes
I smell the jasmine bloom, it has taken years for it to get here
I am happy to just be quiet, to sit still and to be {here}

CPR: Pushing Life

He came in breathing and beating
Then he stopped
His wife watched, hand covering mouth, as we tried our hardest
But is wasn't enough
I have to believe it was his time... but how do you explain that?

Before we stopped,
She slowly approached him and put her hand on his shoulder
Said his name
Let him know she was there
... then she let him go

We let him go

I walked her into the quiet room
and we both cried
Then she laughed at my tears streaming and asked,
"Would you like a tissue?"

Patient taking care of nurse taking care of patient

Sometimes it is easy to separate work and life
... and other times it just isn't.

And as I step outside
Its the sun in my eyes, and I squint against it
I walk a little slower
My life returning to normal
Her life changed forever
I am once again confronted with the frailty of life
I breathe in

Compassion Exposed

I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes forget why I chose to do this
I forget what it feels like to be scared
To hurt
To lose someone dear to me
To wait... for what seems like hours
I forget what it feels like to feel how they feel
What do they call that?
Empathy?

I have been struggling with this lately...
I know I am not the only one,
as people have actually coined this "Compassion Fatigue"
What a horrible reality: people get tired of having compassion for others

The more I think about it
the more I realize
I lose compassion and patience
when I lose my vision
Why did I want to help people in the first place?
To tangibly show the love of Christ through me

...I really don't think LOVE is spewing from me when I want to put a pillow over someone's face
(jk, that thought would never cross my mind...)

I'm currently reading the book "Crazy love" and I came across this passage this morning based on Matthew 25:
"Jesus is saying that we show tangible love for God in how we care for the poor and those who are suffering. He expects us to treat the poor and the desperate as if they were Christ Himself."

I know that not everyone who walks into the ER is going to be "suffering"
and not everyone is "poor" (especially where I live)
But there is a large majority of people that fall under the category of maybe
-scared
-anxious
-hurting
-desperate

I realize that it is not my job to give false hope and say "We are going to make it all better"
but maybe they DO need me to hold their hand
to let them know that I will do my best to take care of them
to let them know that I CARE

Something very valuable is lost when people,
who are in the business of caring for others,
don't care anymore.

I don't want to be one of those people