CPR: Pushing Life

He came in breathing and beating
Then he stopped
His wife watched, hand covering mouth, as we tried our hardest
But is wasn't enough
I have to believe it was his time... but how do you explain that?

Before we stopped,
She slowly approached him and put her hand on his shoulder
Said his name
Let him know she was there
... then she let him go

We let him go

I walked her into the quiet room
and we both cried
Then she laughed at my tears streaming and asked,
"Would you like a tissue?"

Patient taking care of nurse taking care of patient

Sometimes it is easy to separate work and life
... and other times it just isn't.

And as I step outside
Its the sun in my eyes, and I squint against it
I walk a little slower
My life returning to normal
Her life changed forever
I am once again confronted with the frailty of life
I breathe in

Compassion Exposed

I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes forget why I chose to do this
I forget what it feels like to be scared
To hurt
To lose someone dear to me
To wait... for what seems like hours
I forget what it feels like to feel how they feel
What do they call that?
Empathy?

I have been struggling with this lately...
I know I am not the only one,
as people have actually coined this "Compassion Fatigue"
What a horrible reality: people get tired of having compassion for others

The more I think about it
the more I realize
I lose compassion and patience
when I lose my vision
Why did I want to help people in the first place?
To tangibly show the love of Christ through me

...I really don't think LOVE is spewing from me when I want to put a pillow over someone's face
(jk, that thought would never cross my mind...)

I'm currently reading the book "Crazy love" and I came across this passage this morning based on Matthew 25:
"Jesus is saying that we show tangible love for God in how we care for the poor and those who are suffering. He expects us to treat the poor and the desperate as if they were Christ Himself."

I know that not everyone who walks into the ER is going to be "suffering"
and not everyone is "poor" (especially where I live)
But there is a large majority of people that fall under the category of maybe
-scared
-anxious
-hurting
-desperate

I realize that it is not my job to give false hope and say "We are going to make it all better"
but maybe they DO need me to hold their hand
to let them know that I will do my best to take care of them
to let them know that I CARE

Something very valuable is lost when people,
who are in the business of caring for others,
don't care anymore.

I don't want to be one of those people

Right now

I want my coffee brown

When I'm old, it might be black

But right now...

I just want to walk 

and not talk

Just feel my soul

Just grab my hand

Let my feet touch the sand

The water rushing

My arms stretched

Embracing

Let everything wait

Push pause...

Gatsby in my life

The windows down, its dark outside

The heater up and my hair flying round

The music loud, but not loud enough

My thoughts louder still

They wont be drowned out

The contrast so right,

Its screaming out!

How messy is this?

Its beautiful!

Am I doing this right?

In the end...

Will it all line up to be straight?

Which direction is life,

And which speed shall I go?

Fast!

No. 

Please make it slow. 

I think the song is on repeat

And I will dance all the more

My face tear-stained

Eyes shining with passion

Do you feel it?

Bowie's first birthday

today marks a very special momentous occasion for my bowie girl

she made it to a year old

which means all of her attempts to run into the street during traffic were thwarted

she remains alive and well

all the days her mother tried to kill her, she redeemed herself in one way or another

all the times she tried to jump in the front seat when we were driving

or shifted the car into neutral on the freeway

or took off running while we were walking and tore our arms off

or tried to eat bees

or tore part off her paw off playing too hard

or flung poo all over our sheets and the american flag on our wall

all the "bowie paws" to the face...

see?

its a miracle we are here today

HERE IS TO MY BOWIE GIRL WHO MADE IT TO HER FIRST BIRTHDAY

we thought this day would never come

mommy and daddy are so proud of you <3

80mph on the freeway. nbd.

training

hook, line and sinker. first picture we ever saw of her

stoked

when you dont have another dog for them to play with, you make do

mason trying to coax bowie into her crate the first day we had her

the dog whisperer

helping daddy paint his new shop

...that day she fell asleep on her nose

giving kisses to beach babes

like mother like daughter

oh you know, the day phil and i decided to paint her nails

beach babe bowie

stare down 

stoked for football

couldn't hide those christmas treats from that sniffer!

"hey mom, is that a corndog i smell??"

Oh the stories these photos tell

Sometimes I just love reminiscing back at the last few months

by looking through captured moments

~getting to share in the joy of seeing friends marry friends~

~arriving in mammoth to my bestie and snow covered mountains~

~capturing the best photo bombs ever~

~the sunset on valentines day. we almost missed it because i wanted cupcakes~

~my family~

~starting a saturday out the right way~

~growing pains~

~a rare moment when both of us are in athletic gear in the wilderness with a very small tent~

~the sun rising over the ridge at the grand canyon~

~mason may be smiling, but don't be fooled. he was shitting his pants~

~easter egg hunts with mason turning into alien egg eyes~

Oh so uncomfortable

This week I took care of the sickest patient I have EVER taken care of
for the entire 5 hours I had him, I thought he was going to die

it was a shit show

nurses, doctors, residents, pharmacist
the family crying
there was so much noise
I just wanted to leave
to just peace out
I was so uncomfortable
I realized there was so much I still have to learn

I walked into the med room
I took a deep breath while it was quiet
"Focus. Prioritize. Breath."

Our mentor that night was a great source of knowledge for me
He was so excited to use all our ICU equipment
most of which I had never used
At one point he asked me "Isn't this fun?!" and I replied, "THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!"

I am used to a small amount of unknown all the time
its kinda what you sign up for in an ER
every shift I work, I get to learn something new
But this...
THIS was a whole new ball game
This patient came in dying, and it took hours to fully know what was going on
all the while, trying to keep him afloat
and then after we knew his diagnosis, the ER doctor had to spend 15 minutes drawing pictures for me to fully grasp what was going on in this patient's body

It is amazing to me how intricately the human body is made and how much it can withstand

As I sit here and reflect on this patient
Some of me misses the quiet moments
I didn't get to comfort the family as they cried and held his hands
I didn't have time to speak with them about his diagnosis
I was too busy
too stressed with keeping his blood pressure and oxygen levels at barely just enough
Sometimes I think it takes a patient like this to make me stop and think about what is most important

This Journey

What if I fail?
what if I miss something, go in the wrong direction, mess it all up?

I hear this
in my life,
the lives of my friends, my family

You know what I love most about it all?
The journey
and the ability it has to show you how far you have come


I look back at where I started, where I was going and where I am headed
All has lead me here
to my life with my husband and my crazy dog
me trying to persuade a baby, Mason trying to NOT have a baby
chasing a dog around the house with poop all over her huge feet
a sore body from TRYING kickboxing (I looked like I was in the pit at a hardcore show)
still renting a house because we can't make up our minds about what we really want
planning weddings and showers for dear friends and family
being excited for those in new stages and trying my hardest to be content
-even more than being content. To REVEL in the stage that I am in-
Not looking forward. Not looking back.
To fully know how much the Lord loves me, even with all my moments seeming to lack Him


When I think about possibly missing the calling on my life, the goal of my life, the direction...
I look at where all of my adventures and prayers have lead me
Here.
It definitely isn't perfect
and it isn't the end of my journey
I think I might be somewhere in the middle
with a lot still left to do
But looking at it so far, it gives me hope for what is to come.

(Yesterday I met a lady that is a nurse and opened a cupcake shop with her best friend. THAT IS IN MY FUTURE I JUST KNOW IT!! INSPIRATION BABY!!)

The middle

"Savor the time in the middle

It can be the quickest passed

And some of the best memories either made or lost"

The Lord gave these words to me

He also gave them to Mason on the same day

(which is pretty cool if you ask me)

Both of us caught up in a familiar race

trying to get to the next stage

willing ourselves through this day for the next

but only for us to stop.

enjoy this "middle" 

for it can be the best looking back

Lent

I didn't grow up practicing Lent
Its a relatively new thing for me

The idea of giving up something so miniature in our lives for 40 days seemed...
almost silly to me

here is the reason why:
Jesus gave up His life for me,
so to remember Him, I will give up...
facebook
coffee
instagram
sugar
etc.

The act of giving up those silly things in comparison to Jesus giving up his life made me near tears
and it made me not even want to participate

This was my thinking until last year
Last year I gave up coffee for Lent
40 LOOOOOOOOOOONG days without coffee
like really, no coffee people

-Side note-
Mason had so much patience with me
He is a saint!
Not gonna lie, he was a little worried about what I was going to give up this year
-End side note-

Every morning that I woke up, went to the kitchen, tried to pour myself a cup of coffee
and couldn't...
I thought of Jesus
and was thankful

Every afternoon that I went by my favorite coffee shop and looked longing at all those lucky people with iced coffee in their hands (They had NO IDEA how lucky they were)...
Again, I was thankful for the sacrifice Jesus made for me

Not to mention the 50 other times during the day that I thought to myself...
"How good would a cup of coffee be right now?!"

When easter Sunday came 40 days later
I can't tell you how overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness I was
It wasn't just one day that I got to think of my Savior
It had been 40 days

 I celebrated the sacrifice Jesus made for me and the Life that He has now filled me with...
BY DRINKING COFFEE
ALL DAY
Easter was honestly one of the happiest days of 2012 for me
Not only due to the coffee
but the anticipation and the celebration knowing that WE ARE WORTH SAVING
My Savior knew I would need Him,
and He died for me

No matter what it is
how small it is
how insignificant you feel
Giving up something that you have or use everyday
WILL bring your heart and your mind closer to the Lord
if you let it

mmmm, smell dat home

I am pretty sure my sense of smell contributes about 90% of my memories into my memory bank.
I never knew my home had a smell
but now living in San Diego
I do

I stepped out of the building
and the smell of home was overwhelming
I wasn't anywhere near home
but I felt like I was there
I closed my eyes
I took it in

I could have been on the horse trail behind my house
I could have been jogging with my sister
or walking around the park with my brothers

I could have been walking into Jo-Anns with my mom and grandma
or going to get coffee with Rachel
I could have been sitting in the rocking chair in our backyard with my dad
I could have been going for a swim in our pool
Happy Hour could have been commencing in the chairs surrounding

In reality,
I was walking out of the hospital in my uniform
in San Diego
Gross from the night before
Tired as all get out
But renewed in my spirit
my mind traveling miles to hundreds of memories
stored safely behind the lock-and-key of olfactory perception

Underrated

My Husband enjoys sharing quotes with me
One of his most enjoyable quotes:
"There is nothing so overrated than sex, and underrated as a good dump."

I think there may be some male humor in this
as I don't find it nearly as funny as he does
but none-the-less it got me thinking
There are a lot of underrated and overrated aspects of life

I am quite sure that there is nothing so underrated than a quiet morning with no plans
waking up, without a feeling of rush
sitting and drinking one,
no, let's be honest,
three cups of coffee
catching up on reading
spending time in my kitchen
time on my knees in prayer
I think that a quiet morning with no plans is remarkable

And as I plan to write about something that is "overrated"
I sit here and think about it,
and continue to think about it
and I have come to the conclusion that I may just be underrating my life!

It is actually difficult for me to think of something worth writing about that is overrated
I find that simple things in life tend to get overlooked, underrated
and yes, there are things that get attention that don't necessarily need it
but I would much rather ponder the aspects that I need to appreciate more
than the ones I need to appreciate less

What aspects of your life have you been underrating?

Oh, the things I will do today

I've got two towels in the kitchen soaking up all the rain drops
a leaky skylight that REFUSES TO BE FIXED
my dryer is torn apart, searching for that broken piece
wet laundry from 3 days ago sits right where I left it in the washer, 3 days ago
Thus the laundromat is on the to-do list today

I bought a Jillian Michaels workout DVD last week
but to be honest she kinda scares me
and I have done much more staring at the cover than "shredding"
and I wonder how some people become so motivated
Why do I have to look at 15 photos of other people working out
before I have the motivation to do a WORKOUT DVD?
Its on the to-do list

I would much rather sit here and drink my coffee
pause. reflect.

Why am I such a planner at night before bed?
As I laid my head down
no more duties for the day
I had my next day planned out down to the minute

Oh, the things I will do today

Welp, I was supposed to have done that workout DVD already
...and all I did was blog about it
At least that's better than looking at it right?
still on the to-do list

My car has the check engine light on
its been on for a while
and 3 car visits to the auto shop later...
its still on
I have an appointment for 10am today
today is the big day
the check engine light is going to be turned off
even if I have to tell them to turn it off as I drive away, fixed or not fixed
Its on the to-do list, so this is serious
I mean business

The DMV never sent me my registration for 2013
a mis-colored 2012 sticker still stands out on my license plate, lonely
As I put my new license plate cover on, that audaciously reads:
"I know, I know
License and Registration"
(Thank you, Lauren, for the amazing birthday gift!)
It occurs to me, I should get that fixed
I have an appointment at 12:50
it took me 45 minutes on the phone (+ or - a little yelling and some grunts) to get that appointment
So I think I will keep it
Its on the to-do list

So...
anyone have a better to-do list they are willing to share with me
to help me get through mine?

I really need to get off this couch
like asap
maybe after another cup of coffee...