Fitzgerald and I would have been besties, for sure

"It is not life that's complicated, it's the struggle to guide and control life." -This Side of Paradise

have I not felt this all along?
this struggle
this daily knowledge that as many plans as I have
ultimately
I have no control

thank goodness Fitzgerald knew this too
I feel he just knows things
as I sit and read his thoughts
I think, "Yes! I resonate with this!"
tell me more

if only we could sit and share a cup of coffee together
and talk about this life
this life of struggle

then,
then, comfort's voice reaches me
reminds me:
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

this means
I don't have to find the means to control my life
(and what a relief that is)
I can have a reassurance that
plans have already been made for me
by a God that loves me
by a God that created me
and knows all the intricacies of how my mind works and worries
how my mind tears everything apart
and tries to put it back together my OWN way
He already knows my struggle with this life

does this not shed new light?

new hope!

as bleak as Fitzgerald found things to be at times

the way he saw life may only have been partially true

if only we could sit and share a cup of coffee together

and talk about this life

this life of struggle

I think we would have talked about Jesus too...

Upon hearing "La Valse d'Amelie" in a French Train Station

Two foreigners at a train station
so very early in the morning
both of us helplessly, hopelessly looking at the monitor
What train do we have tickets for and where is it?
I can't read this language...
Is there a hidden platform like in Harry Potter?

He turns around with a sigh
deciding to focus his energy towards something more fulfilling
"I'm going to try and order us coffee"

I walk to the guard rail
still in a sleepy haze
and then I hear it
I can't believe it

Someone below me, somewhere in this train station
someone is playing the song that I have always imagined would be here
From the moment I heard it when I was 16, I knew it was special
and here I am and here it is
both in the same country of origin
What are the chances?

I hear the musician make a small mistake
it is really happening
it is happening right now
I turn around
excitement filling my now wide awake eyes
I dance around by myself
no one could possibly be as happy as me in this moment
I grip the guardrail searching
does anyone else hear it?

People keep walking
The music keeps playing
I keep dancing
I close my eyes and soak this moment in
I will never forget it

He returns with coffee, a triumphant smile on his face
but I am already awake

Je voudrais un café avec du lait, s'il vous plaît

So much anticipation
Excitment, I feel it
How can you EVEN expect me to sit still?

I jump up and start dancing
My arms conducting the music
I feel every bit of it
It envelops me
New memories to take place,
while old memories still hold me in place {here}

A fine balance
I am in this moment with joy for the next
there is no room for fear here

And even now
as I sit down, coffee in hand
I have learned the only important phrase
I close my eyes
I smell the jasmine bloom, it has taken years for it to get here
I am happy to just be quiet, to sit still and to be {here}