the first days of 29

we chased waterfalls

we tried coffee (good and not-so-good)

we drove the rental with the sunroof open when it rained

(rebels)

we bought as much vintage as our bags would hold

we shared dreams

we shared reality

we shared every meal with delight

at the end of the day,

we fell asleep in matching twin beds

in a vintage airstream

in a stranger’s backyard

and the rain on the metal roof kept us awake all night <3

dreams

these are my dreams coming true

Facing My Own Humanity

Photo obtained through jsnma.org

A few days ago, I walked into 7-Eleven and got a snack and walked outside to rent a movie from the Redbox. A homeless man about my age was standing right in front of the machine. I asked him if he wouldn't mind moving so I could use it. He promptly moved out of the way and then lifted the flap that was protecting the screen and proceeded to hold it up for me so I could see the movie choices. I quickly told him that wasn't necessary, that "I got it," and he backed away.

While I was still perusing my options of movies to rent, two young men walked out of 7-Eleven with a pizza in hand. The homeless man asked if they could spare any change, or "maybe even a slice of pizza," to which both of the young men ignored him, got in their car and drove away.

About this time, I had finished paying for my movie and I made the choice to walk home.

I walked past the homeless man.
I did not look him in the eye.
I did not offer to buy him food.
I ignored him.

I wrestled with this interaction for the rest of the day.
I am still wrestling...

Why did I ignore him?
Did I not want to acknowledge the need that was there?

I thought about when he held the screen up for me, and I told him that wasn't necessary;
I didn't want to owe him anything.

I thought about how I tell people that I like nursing because it is a job that "cares for others,"
but a tangible need was staring me in the face
and I chose to look away.

Will I keep looking away?
My own lack of compassion scares me.

Sometimes, I just wish I could sit down with Mother Teresa and ask her for advice...
but then again, I feel like she would just quote herself to me:

"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house... let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile."

...

There is a lot happening in the world right now,
and there are also a lot of opinions.

When it comes down to truth, sometimes it is hard to see.
(and sometimes it is downright overwhelming)

I think I want to start by keeping it simple,
reminding myself every morning to "be the living expression of God's kindness." 

slow down slow down slow down

A gnat just flew into my glass of wine
I am sure it is the only bug in the house
and it found its way into my happy place
and ruined it

How fitting

I was just going to start a blog entry on wanting to "lean in" to every emotion
to feel the weight of my life
all the good and the bad in every situation
Well, let me tell you
I'm not happy with my current bug-infested wine
I'm feeling it

...

I am currently reading the book "Rising Strong" and came across this passage regarding barriers we typically set up that keep us from reckoning with our emotions:

"...in this long list of all the ways we can numb ourselves, there's always staying busy: living so hard and fast that the truths of our lives can't catch up with us." 

This stopped me
I read it
and I re-read it

I will admit that as appealing as staying busy is
I never want my life to be so busy that I don't have to face truths
that I don't have "time" to reckon with my emotions

I want to feel it
and I want a new glass of wine

The Magic

"The middle is messy, but it's also where the magic happens." -Brené Brown

I read this and then re-read it, and then stopped. 

I am in the middle

I know it

I can feel it

In the hustle, there is a smile

In the stress, there is a hand to hold and a joke to be told

In the push to MOVE FASTER, there are memories being made

I am in the middle

but I am not alone

Want to find the magic together?

Come on! Lets go! 

Nature vs. Sterile: a look into multiple personalities, inside and outside of work

I am walking down the new corridor of the hospital

The only word that comes to mind: sterile

Light shines in from the many windows and the walls are white

So white, it almost hurts my eyes

I love it

What is it about this place that makes me tick?

They say it takes a certain personality to function well under emergency room pressure… is that true? Or have I just adapted to the environment

There is chaos, yes!

But it is chaos in a well-controlled environment

It is fast-paced and you have to be flexible

You never know what will walk through the ER doors

You are having a heart attack?

Easy,

Follow the chest pain protocol

You may be having a stroke?

Cool,

Off to the CT scanner you go

There is a strategic plan in place,

and although we each go at it with different levels of experience,

we still follow the same evidence-based protocol

Now tell me...

How does one adjust from fast-paced, life–threatening, all consuming ER life to a "normal" member of a community and home?

How does one help another family grieve the loss of a young life and then go home and make dinner and watch a TV show with their loved ones?

This is difficult for me sometimes

…

Outside of work, my life seems to resist being scheduled

“Our plan is… we have no plan!”

Life motto

(It may be to a fault)

I do not want to commit to plans,

because that means I have to plan my day

Is that wrong?

I want to wake up and see what happens

I want to go for a drive with no destination in mind

I want to be in nature and be overwhelmed by its perfection

I want to listen to an album of music and be completely immersed and let it take me where it will

I want to be in an uncontrolled environment where I do not know what to expect next

Surprise me

Please

Have I always been like this?

Or am I now a by-product of two very different worlds that collide 3 days a week

Life: inside and outside of the hospital

Nature vs. Sterile

Maybe it is my own personal balancing act

Opposites attract, they say

Be true to yourself, they say

What if I feel like I have two “selves” competing for the spotlight?

Maybe it is as simple as being authentic to yourself in each and every moment

Living each day in its own light

Using your different and unique talents as the day requests

No explanations needed

…

I shared my thoughts with my mom late one night:

“Have I always been like this?

Hungry to be outside?

Feeling a need to explore and be uninhibited?

Am I changing, Mom?

Is my job changing who I am?”

“Honey, you have always been like that.

If you weren’t baking in the kitchen,

you were running around outside.”

“Thank you, mom.

You have no idea how comforting it is to me,

to hear I have always been myself.”

life and time

sometimes i feel like life is flying by
so fast i cant stop it
i am outside of it, watching it happen
some days are too much

the anxiety builds
i feel it in my chest
or is it, my sports bra may be too tight?

i crumple to the ground
feigning defeat
fake tears abound

i look around to see if i am gaining sympathy
i see my mom crack a smile at this dramatic scene
then she lays on the ground near me
we both smile and stand together
thank God for ridiculousness

i find there are always moments that far outweigh
if only i can make time my own
and then stop it to notice
slow it down a beat

when that song comes on the radio
singing every word
3 minutes of bliss
(uptown funk, yo)

that first cup of coffee in the morning
no one speaks yet

the sun melting into the ocean
sky on fire
feet deep in the sand

yes. this is my life. this is my time.

Fitzgerald and I would have been besties, for sure

"It is not life that's complicated, it's the struggle to guide and control life." -This Side of Paradise

have I not felt this all along?
this struggle
this daily knowledge that as many plans as I have
ultimately
I have no control

thank goodness Fitzgerald knew this too
I feel he just knows things
as I sit and read his thoughts
I think, "Yes! I resonate with this!"
tell me more

if only we could sit and share a cup of coffee together
and talk about this life
this life of struggle

then,
then, comfort's voice reaches me
reminds me:
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

this means
I don't have to find the means to control my life
(and what a relief that is)
I can have a reassurance that
plans have already been made for me
by a God that loves me
by a God that created me
and knows all the intricacies of how my mind works and worries
how my mind tears everything apart
and tries to put it back together my OWN way
He already knows my struggle with this life

does this not shed new light?

new hope!

as bleak as Fitzgerald found things to be at times

the way he saw life may only have been partially true

if only we could sit and share a cup of coffee together

and talk about this life

this life of struggle

I think we would have talked about Jesus too...