Oh so uncomfortable

This week I took care of the sickest patient I have EVER taken care of
for the entire 5 hours I had him, I thought he was going to die

it was a shit show

nurses, doctors, residents, pharmacist
the family crying
there was so much noise
I just wanted to leave
to just peace out
I was so uncomfortable
I realized there was so much I still have to learn

I walked into the med room
I took a deep breath while it was quiet
"Focus. Prioritize. Breath."

Our mentor that night was a great source of knowledge for me
He was so excited to use all our ICU equipment
most of which I had never used
At one point he asked me "Isn't this fun?!" and I replied, "THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!"

I am used to a small amount of unknown all the time
its kinda what you sign up for in an ER
every shift I work, I get to learn something new
But this...
THIS was a whole new ball game
This patient came in dying, and it took hours to fully know what was going on
all the while, trying to keep him afloat
and then after we knew his diagnosis, the ER doctor had to spend 15 minutes drawing pictures for me to fully grasp what was going on in this patient's body

It is amazing to me how intricately the human body is made and how much it can withstand

As I sit here and reflect on this patient
Some of me misses the quiet moments
I didn't get to comfort the family as they cried and held his hands
I didn't have time to speak with them about his diagnosis
I was too busy
too stressed with keeping his blood pressure and oxygen levels at barely just enough
Sometimes I think it takes a patient like this to make me stop and think about what is most important

This Journey

What if I fail?
what if I miss something, go in the wrong direction, mess it all up?

I hear this
in my life,
the lives of my friends, my family

You know what I love most about it all?
The journey
and the ability it has to show you how far you have come


I look back at where I started, where I was going and where I am headed
All has lead me here
to my life with my husband and my crazy dog
me trying to persuade a baby, Mason trying to NOT have a baby
chasing a dog around the house with poop all over her huge feet
a sore body from TRYING kickboxing (I looked like I was in the pit at a hardcore show)
still renting a house because we can't make up our minds about what we really want
planning weddings and showers for dear friends and family
being excited for those in new stages and trying my hardest to be content
-even more than being content. To REVEL in the stage that I am in-
Not looking forward. Not looking back.
To fully know how much the Lord loves me, even with all my moments seeming to lack Him


When I think about possibly missing the calling on my life, the goal of my life, the direction...
I look at where all of my adventures and prayers have lead me
Here.
It definitely isn't perfect
and it isn't the end of my journey
I think I might be somewhere in the middle
with a lot still left to do
But looking at it so far, it gives me hope for what is to come.

(Yesterday I met a lady that is a nurse and opened a cupcake shop with her best friend. THAT IS IN MY FUTURE I JUST KNOW IT!! INSPIRATION BABY!!)