Oh so uncomfortable

This week I took care of the sickest patient I have EVER taken care of
for the entire 5 hours I had him, I thought he was going to die

it was a shit show

nurses, doctors, residents, pharmacist
the family crying
there was so much noise
I just wanted to leave
to just peace out
I was so uncomfortable
I realized there was so much I still have to learn

I walked into the med room
I took a deep breath while it was quiet
"Focus. Prioritize. Breath."

Our mentor that night was a great source of knowledge for me
He was so excited to use all our ICU equipment
most of which I had never used
At one point he asked me "Isn't this fun?!" and I replied, "THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!"

I am used to a small amount of unknown all the time
its kinda what you sign up for in an ER
every shift I work, I get to learn something new
But this...
THIS was a whole new ball game
This patient came in dying, and it took hours to fully know what was going on
all the while, trying to keep him afloat
and then after we knew his diagnosis, the ER doctor had to spend 15 minutes drawing pictures for me to fully grasp what was going on in this patient's body

It is amazing to me how intricately the human body is made and how much it can withstand

As I sit here and reflect on this patient
Some of me misses the quiet moments
I didn't get to comfort the family as they cried and held his hands
I didn't have time to speak with them about his diagnosis
I was too busy
too stressed with keeping his blood pressure and oxygen levels at barely just enough
Sometimes I think it takes a patient like this to make me stop and think about what is most important